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The Bedtime Headscarf: Serial Sex-Killer?

Q: My BF — a black man — says I’m his first girl to sleep with a wrap and a scarf. What the what what?! How do I keep it sexy at bedtime? Mind you I get weekly blowouts, but I’m not sure my hair can take the pillow.” – Latoya

A: Ahhh Latoya. We have stumbled upon the black girl’s burden. How the hell do we stay boneable at bedtime with our hair in a scarf, or Jesus take the wheel, a satin bonnet? We want to be sex kittens — or at least, sweetly sensual in a run-your-fingers-through-my-hair-while-we-pass-out-to-Bill-Maher kinda way — but we need that offensively printed scarf at bedtime to ensure a dope ‘do in la manana! Pro-scarf of no-scarf, that is the question.

Caveat: If you’ve been in your relationship forever, you’re exempt from the conversation. Listen, I’ve birthed your babies, dealt with your mother, carried you through a ten-month unemployment depression (uggh black men, why don’t they go to therapy, already?) — you’re gonna worship at the altar of this headscarf, my dude. You’re gonna make violent love to me and this scarf on the floor, Don Draper-style. But not too vigorous, lest it slip off. This is a fresh blowout.

Perhaps add gold hoops and kohl liner? Gypsy bedtime swag?

But what if you’re not old marrieds? What if he’s your boyfriend or you’re a wife who’s still interested in having sex with your man (because, let’s be honest, sometimes the scarf says: “I’m tired tonight, I encourage you to explore online porn”)? Do you not wear the scarf? A famous celeb hairstylist friend of mine says yes. She’s never worn a scarf to bed with her BF of ten years. Shocking! A hairstylist, of all people! Her quote: “It’s not sexy. You gotta keep up the mystery. No one wants to fuck Aunt Jemima.” Harsh, but there’s something in that…

There’s a chapter in “Black Women Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama” that explores exactly this. The author, Sophia A. Nelson, interviews a ton of black men who said women of other races seemed “more relaxed” sexually, because they didn’t go to bed in bonnets, do-rags and curlers. Fighting words, to be sure — but not hard to get. If you were a man, would you want to ravage you in a do-rag? There were also men who admitted that, besides birthdays and honeymoons, they’d never even seen their wives hair in bed. This made me sad. Your man loves you, he thinks you’re hot…he wants all of you, he wants to run his fingers through your hair, he wants to bury his face in it while he sleeps. He wants to stroke it while he ignores what you’re saying and fantasizes about a blowjob. I think that’s fair.

Latoya, this is a tough one. Maybe don’t wear #thescarf every night. Or try whipping if off when it’s time to get down (turn it into sex choreo!).Β  Or instead of a scarf, sweep your hair into a ponytail or bun and sleep on a satin pillowcase, like the fab ones from ShopBedding ($4.99-$9.50). You’ll get the same breakage-proofing, moisture-retaining benefits. That’s what I do! Yep, I’m guilty of hiding the scarf. I have crazy migraines, so I was never able to tie anything around my head at night — but once I stopped getting relaxers this summer, a scarf was necessary, headache or no. And yet, I never let my Love in a Hopeless Place see me in a scarf. Fantasy-killer. Perhaps the scarf shame made me less empowered, but it did make for sexy sexual sex πŸ™‚

Love ShopBedding's Satin Pillowcases! They come in the cutest colors and they don't snag like some of the cheaper brands.

SYB Babes, how do you keep it hot at night without ruining your ‘do? Are you pro-scarf or no-scarf? Let’s discuss!


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  1. Dwills
    March 27, 2012 4:23 pm 

    high bun is a good alternative to a scarf. besides, scarves tend to get unceremoniously ripped off during funny biz, which results in more problematic hair then if you hadn’t attempted to wrap it in the first place.

    • twilliams
      March 27, 2012 7:20 pm 

      Is this my auntie? FUNNY BIZ!? I can’t…

    • Dwills
      March 27, 2012 8:19 pm 

      my parents read this blog!
      i have to compose myself with dignity.

    • twilliams
      March 27, 2012 8:24 pm 

      No I literally thought you were my aunt! Her first initial is D., last name Williams! I was cringing at thinking of “funny business” with my uncle! LOL πŸ™‚

  2. LaToya
    March 27, 2012 5:02 pm 

    Oh em gee. Mind you we’re still in that first year, new, *sex almost every night* stage so we’ve never had sex with my scarf on. I just head to bathroom after and come back ready for sleep. Lol Plus I never let him see me put on make-up or for the most part get dressed. I tell him “you don’t need to see how the sausage is made” I don’t know why. The scarf never crossed my mind. I am ordering 6 of these pillowcases and stocking up on hair oil. Its going to be an interesting summer… Thanks Tia!

  3. Simone Pratt
    March 27, 2012 6:31 pm 

    I have a satin pillowcase… When I wore my hair straight I NEVER tied my hair up or rarely wrapped it. I didn’t like the Kizzy look in bed either. Big barrell curling iron in the AM to smooth it out.

    I’m a curly girl now – still use a satin pillowcase on my side of the bed. But I have to rinse with conditioner or spritz with water every morning to avoid smushed bed head in the back or one side… When I get a dominican blow out (rare) I tie a red bandana and maybe pin curls and I hate that even. When my hair was longer I did a bun on top of the head and gel around the sides in the morning, tied a bandana while in shower to set the gel and waves…

    You do get comfy when married… some nights you are like eh what ev. Some nights you are like… πŸ˜›

    So so SO not a fan of head scarves and pj bottoms out in public (really?)

  4. March 27, 2012 7:24 pm 

    Too funny, well, I’m 15 years in & a satin bonnet AND satin pillowcase are necessary to tame the madness north of my smile. He deals. Though in the beginning, I think I just dealt with having to wrestle it into submission every morning. My hair not him. The things you do when it’s new!

  5. Latimore
    March 27, 2012 9:52 pm 

    I do the same as Simon, satin pillow brushed back at night. I would wrap my hair in the morning get in the shower no problems. But that was years ago single mom of 2 now its masks, scarves, banna pudding on the face whatever to be pretty in the morning.
    Oh and I’m in love with you Tia, I want you to live with me and write stories for me everyday.

  6. Gracie
    March 27, 2012 10:01 pm 

    so true and sooo funny. just when i convinced myself saying ‘let me just put my hair away first…’ in my best, whispery come hither voice made it any sexier – prob more of a testament to by BF’s high tolerance of any sexy-time pre-regs

  7. Kimmie
    March 28, 2012 6:12 am 

    I say men need to grow up. They know it takes some effort and maintenance in order for our hair to look right. As long as the headgear is clean & not greasy or smelly he shouldn’t have a problem.

    I can understand not wearing it for intimate moments, but who needs to be cute when you’re both asleep? A man would be even more ticked off if his woman walked around with jacked up hair and broken off edges. Or if she was spending money to get her hair done all the time.

    I don’t like satin pillowcases because I believe in covering my hair when I’m sleeping. Not just for my hair, but my skin too. All of the hair oils and whatnot get onto the pillowcase & onto my face. I can’t have that lol.

  8. Marcia Cole
    March 28, 2012 4:31 pm 

    Sleep on a 100% satin pillowcase. Head ties or bonnets at night are not sexy what. so. ever. Wearing them outside is one of the most serious style offenses as well. So if you need your hair to remain smooth and you have a blow out, wrap it before you go into the shower, put the shower cap on, lotion your body, put on your clothes and makeup, then do you hair. That time is enough to give you a flawless look. Curly girls with a lot of hair opt for the top knot, a touch of leave-in conditioner in the am and you’re set.

  9. March 28, 2012 9:00 pm 

    Satin and/or pillowcase is a must for me! I also tie up my hair with a satin bonnet and to secure that sucker on my head, a satiny scarp over that. It get’s the job done. πŸ™‚

  10. Angelica Golden
    March 29, 2012 3:45 am 

    This post had me rolling! Ok, if my hubby even THINKS there’s the slightest chance of doing “the grown-up,” he certainly wouldn’t kill any shot he may have by making a comment about my scarf (and honestly I’m not sure if he even notices I’m wearing it). That said, I rocks the scarf every night, but usually after the funny biz.

    • Nicole
      March 29, 2012 4:17 pm 

      I’m 17 years in…if I get in bed without my hair tied up, Hubby will ask me if I forgot OR will wake me up if I’m alseep without it on. He knows what it is…I get weekly blow outs so I will sleep w/o it starting about Thursday. LOL!! Maybe I’ll try the high bun. The satin pillowcases are a must regardless.

  11. MN
    March 30, 2012 7:26 pm 

    Honestly I think it depends on the guy, and how you approach it. You can still ooze sexiness in a scarf, demmit! *lol* I’m 10.5 months into mine, and my hair is wrapped or in a bonnet ERR night – I’m newly natural and trying to hang on to this growth! The first few times we spent together before getting married I went without the scarf, and the breakage was insane. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, and he seemed to understand. Now I could wear a scarf all day and he’d still jump me!

  12. April 16, 2012 4:03 pm 

    i love this convo! you ladies have me rolling:) thank you!

  13. KD
    April 23, 2012 12:47 am 

    I’m in the same boat as Nicole..l we’re only 5 years in, but hubby will tell me to get up and wrap my hair if I happen to fall asleep. As far as wearing it when it’s time for “funny biz” … He couldn’t care less as long as he’s getting it! Lol. Love the post as usual!

  14. dranant2001
    February 13, 2013 9:10 am 

    ya, i also like to wear scarves in the night , with the convineince it provides , it also helps in sexually arousing the chemistry between us. i also some times bind his hands or gag him and play dirty.

  15. Ty
    April 9, 2014 5:50 pm 

    Well my boyfriend likes the hardscarf. Actually, he just likes me. He loves my it when my hair is so short you can’t curl it or when it is down my back. Heck, when we are away from each other, he even asks for pictures of me in my headscarf.(Now that I just don’t get.Lol) However,I guess a headscarf at night is better than looking like a scarecrow by the head in the mornings,(my dad’s words when I visit my parents) lol. And as mentioned in the article, dress the headscarf up with earrings,eyeliner,and some tasty lip gloss! πŸ™‚ Sidenote: ever guy I have ever went to bed with has liked my headscarf look. I even get complimens!

  16. WolfsQueen
    September 18, 2015 6:06 pm 

    Hi there Tia. I came across this site and article, searching for a way to relieve my headaches when I wear my headscarf. Anyway, I was just reading through, and was, at least amused to learn about this thing in your community. That is until I read the word “gypsy”. You may not be aware, but that word is a slur, against the Roma/Romani people. It’s been used since the 14th century (at least) against my people, to call us theives and criminals. Very similar to using the N word. So, would you be so kind as to maybe use a different word like “traveller”, or even the proper term Roma? Thank you so much. I appericate you.

  17. October 7, 2015 1:07 pm 

    My honey and I have been together a little over a year and when I fall asleep he wakes me to cover my hair. He especially hates it all in his face. When it comes to doing funny business he could care less if I’m looking like Miss Celie; twists, Bantu knots, bonnet Β―\_(ツ)_/Β― . So for that I’m grateful.