Q: My BF — a black man — says I’m his first girl to sleep with a wrap and a scarf. What the what what?! How do I keep it sexy at bedtime? Mind you I get weekly blowouts, but I’m not sure my hair can take the pillow.” – Latoya
A: Ahhh Latoya. We have stumbled upon the black girl’s burden. How the hell do we stay boneable at bedtime with our hair in a scarf, or Jesus take the wheel, a satin bonnet? We want to be sex kittens — or at least, sweetly sensual in a run-your-fingers-through-my-hair-while-we-pass-out-to-Bill-Maher kinda way — but we need that offensively printed scarf at bedtime to ensure a dope ‘do in la manana! Pro-scarf of no-scarf, that is the question.
Caveat: If you’ve been in your relationship forever, you’re exempt from the conversation. Listen, I’ve birthed your babies, dealt with your mother, carried you through a ten-month unemployment depression (uggh black men, why don’t they go to therapy, already?) — you’re gonna worship at the altar of this headscarf, my dude. You’re gonna make violent love to me and this scarf on the floor, Don Draper-style. But not too vigorous, lest it slip off. This is a fresh blowout.
But what if you’re not old marrieds? What if he’s your boyfriend or you’re a wife who’s still interested in having sex with your man (because, let’s be honest, sometimes the scarf says: “I’m tired tonight, I encourage you to explore online porn”)? Do you not wear the scarf? A famous celeb hairstylist friend of mine says yes. She’s never worn a scarf to bed with her BF of ten years. Shocking! A hairstylist, of all people! Her quote: “It’s not sexy. You gotta keep up the mystery. No one wants to fuck Aunt Jemima.” Harsh, but there’s something in that…
There’s a chapter in “Black Women Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama” that explores exactly this. The author, Sophia A. Nelson, interviews a ton of black men who said women of other races seemed “more relaxed” sexually, because they didn’t go to bed in bonnets, do-rags and curlers. Fighting words, to be sure — but not hard to get. If you were a man, would you want to ravage you in a do-rag? There were also men who admitted that, besides birthdays and honeymoons, they’d never even seen their wives hair in bed. This made me sad. Your man loves you, he thinks you’re hot…he wants all of you, he wants to run his fingers through your hair, he wants to bury his face in it while he sleeps. He wants to stroke it while he ignores what you’re saying and fantasizes about a blowjob. I think that’s fair.
Latoya, this is a tough one. Maybe don’t wear #thescarf every night. Or try whipping if off when it’s time to get down (turn it into sex choreo!). Or instead of a scarf, sweep your hair into a ponytail or bun and sleep on a satin pillowcase, like the fab ones from ShopBedding ($4.99-$9.50). You’ll get the same breakage-proofing, moisture-retaining benefits. That’s what I do! Yep, I’m guilty of hiding the scarf. I have crazy migraines, so I was never able to tie anything around my head at night — but once I stopped getting relaxers this summer, a scarf was necessary, headache or no. And yet, I never let my Love in a Hopeless Place see me in a scarf. Fantasy-killer. Perhaps the scarf shame made me less empowered, but it did make for sexy sexual sex 🙂
SYB Babes, how do you keep it hot at night without ruining your ‘do? Are you pro-scarf or no-scarf? Let’s discuss!