Could You Pick Your Vag Out of a Lineup?

Happy belated Easter! I’m finally out of the damned hospital, thank god! And thank you for all your sweet well wishes on Twitter and email and everything — I so felt all your vibes positivos, my SYB Babes. I needed them. A week in the hospital is the worst! A few observations:

* Creamed corn is a sinister dish and has never worked for anyone, anywhere.

* After watching thirty-seven “Shah of Sunset” marathons, I’ve decided I need thick, epically arched brows and a massive tumble of subtly frizzy, mahogany waves.

* I will never get used to needles. When my nurse inserts an IV it will always be painful, and I will always shoot her a reproachful, “how dare you” glare, as if she weren’t just doing her job. As if she rolled up on me and stabbed me in the neck while I was standing in the checkout line at Target.

I was discussing my needle-phobia with two of my favorite girlfriends the other day. We were meeting up for a quick late-afternoon coffee break, but the three of us being fully ridic, it turned into a boozy, two-hour long overshare fest. Oh and since these chicks are basically running things in their respective industries, I’m going to call them Pookie and Peaches so their careers don’t go down in flames.

Me: Needles, man. They always hurt; I don’t know how I sat through three tattoos.

Pookie: I don’t know how I sat through two nipple piercings.

Me: You got both done?  Shady bitch, you didn’t tell us.

Peaches: I knew a girl who pierced her nipples and started lactating.

Pookie: Wait, but did I tell y’all that…(lowers voice) I wanna pierce my clit?

Me, involuntarily covering my crotch with my clutch: Gasp!!

Peaches: You wanna do what to what??

Pookie: Here’s the funny part, though. I went to the piercing spot in the Village, and they actually have an app where they take a picture of your vagina, and they can show you what it’ll look like with the piercing! And they showed me the pic, and I realized that I would never have known it was mine.

Me: Are you saying you wouldn’t be able to pick your vag out of a lineup?

Pookie: No!

Peaches: Oh I would. I’m all up in there, all the time.

Me: I meeaan…I’m all up in mine too, but I’m not looking at her.

Peaches: I’m looking at her.

Pookie: Why?

Peaches: ‘Cause she’s pretty?

Me: Cheers to Peaches’ pretty punany! Woot woot!

We clink glasses and dissolve into giggles, people stare.

Pookie: So, what does she look like?

Peaches: Totally waxed, everything off.

Pookie: Me too.

Me: Landing strip. But you know I don’t get waxes, right? I shave her myself.

Flaunting my ill shave skills in Turks & Caicos!

Peaches: Why?

Me: I hate, hate, hate getting Brazilians. I will never get used to a stranger pouring wax in my ass. Shaving saves money, it’s painless, and it’s always fresh. Strippers taught me how to do it years ago for a Glamour piece. They perform every night, so they can’t have they grow-in period you need before you can wax again — they always have to be fresh. So they shave every two days and then put on deodorant, because it’s supposed to make the hair grow in softer and thinner!

Pookie, slamming down her drink and jabbing her index finger towards the heavens: Elaborate!

Don’t mind if I do! Girls, this is going to seem difficult at first. But if you love the look of a Brazilian but loathe waxing, promise me you’ll give it a try. In a couple of weeks it’ll be like second nature to you. I’m doing it right now! Kidding.

1.) First, trim your pubes. You want to start of with the eensiest amount of hair possible.

2.) Apply a shaving cream — or you can use hair conditioner — all over the top (I will not say the word “mons”) of your vag. Use a fresh razor to shave in the direction of the hair growth.

Loving EOS Shave Cream, especially in Pomegranate-Raspberry ($5.80, soap.com). So moisturizing, yet lightweight and gentle.

3.) Now for the inside! Apply your shaving cream, then prop one leg up the wall and use your fingers to spread your labia out so the skin is taught (super-important, if the skin isn’t taught it’s nicksville). Using long, slow strokes, shave in the direction of hair growth and repeat on the other side.

4.) And now? The ass. This is actually easy. Apply shaving cream. Then stick your butt out, grab a cheek and pull it open, and shave one side, in horizontal strokes, inside out. Repeat on other side.

5.) Gently pat dry, then finish with a topical razor bump/ingrown hair preventer, like Bikini Zone Medicated Creme for Bikini Area ($7). If you’re prone to getting really intense bumps, try Completely Bare Bikini Bump Blaster Pads ($32), which has glycolic and salicylic acid to help unclog pores of excess sebum and curled hairs that cause irritation. These pads saved my summer of 2008.

The business.

There you have it, ladies! A sprawling, randomly vaginal conversation between friends that turned into a Brazilian shaving tutorial! That’s SYB ferya. Now, you tell me…do you wax or shave? And could you spot your vag out of a lineup?

 

 

13 Comments

  1. VNikol

    Oh wow Tia, your new no-holds barred, tell it all approach is refreshing & truly giggles inducing! As a grown woman, I can’t recall the last time I giggled to myself quite so much as I have since your return. Great tips, I swear by hair conditioner for shaving & didn’t know I had so much in common with strippers, because that’s exactly what I do. Although, I use Lavender oil to prevent ingrowns – works way better than Tend Skin or anything else I’ve tried + it’s way cheaper than all those fancy marketed creams & such. Oh & come to think of it, I probably couldn’t pick mine out of a lineup either..lol.

    1. ladyy77

      I was thinking the same thing! Trim & depilatory cream. Once finished good ole coconut cream keeps her smooth! I can definitely pick mine out of a line-up. Check her out often!!!!

    2. twilliams

      SYB Babes, you should keep depilatory creams away from your pink parts! If you’re just doing the edges of your bikini line, it’s okay, but you don’t want harsh chemicals near your vulva or inner labia. The area is super-sensitive and prone to allergic reactions, irritation and burns.

  2. Optimistic Mom

    I have done the wax several times and yes it is painful! I really didn’t think there was much of an alternative getting everything nice and smooth. ;)
    I like to think I could pic my vag out of a line up, hopefully I won’t ever have to. lol

  3. Lana

    As Wendy Williams would say, Tia, “You’re my best friend in my head.” LOL Love, love, love this article. So informative, yet, so frickin funny. I ever make it to Brooklyn, girl, we’re hanging…lol

    Shave, definitely couldn’t pick it out of a lineup.

  4. Heysuga1

    Oh how I’ve missed you, Tia! You’re writing, your wit, your knowledge…I too, feel like we’re BFFs in my head ;-)

    Thanks for this! I usually wax but I’m going to have to give this technique a try. Waxing is just too damn painful and I think my technician has begun to notice my passive aggressive attitude during our sessions. And who knows what the consequences to that might be….definitely wouldn’t want her taking it out on my “girly parts” lol

  5. Nicky

    so I tried this right after I read this post. It is growing in fast and furious! When i shaved in the direction the hair grows it was difficult to get a close shave. I used the Deodorant and stopped after the first shave because I remember hearing its not safe to apply deodorant under your freshly shaved pits because of its link to cancer. What type of deodorant do you use? And when I applied the Bikini blaster pads it burned like hell! This felt like torture. I don’t know how you do this every other day but power to you!

    I think i’m going to have to go back to my trusty (lasts two weeks) waxing. But thanks for the new ideas. Le sigh

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