Could You Pick Your Vag Out of a Lineup?
Happy belated Easter! I’m finally out of the damned hospital, thank god! And thank you for all your sweet well wishes on Twitter and email and everything — I so felt all your vibes positivos, my SYB Babes. I needed them. A week in the hospital is the worst! A few observations:
* Creamed corn is a sinister dish and has never worked for anyone, anywhere.
* After watching thirty-seven “Shah of Sunset” marathons, I’ve decided I need thick, epically arched brows and a massive tumble of subtly frizzy, mahogany waves.
* I will never get used to needles. When my nurse inserts an IV it will always be painful, and I will always shoot her a reproachful, “how dare you” glare, as if she weren’t just doing her job. As if she rolled up on me and stabbed me in the neck while I was standing in the checkout line at Target.
I was discussing my needle-phobia with two of my favorite girlfriends the other day. We were meeting up for a quick late-afternoon coffee break, but the three of us being fully ridic, it turned into a boozy, two-hour long overshare fest. Oh and since these chicks are basically running things in their respective industries, I’m going to call them Pookie and Peaches so their careers don’t go down in flames.
Me: Needles, man. They always hurt; I don’t know how I sat through three tattoos.
Pookie: I don’t know how I sat through two nipple piercings.
Me: You got both done? Shady bitch, you didn’t tell us.
Peaches: I knew a girl who pierced her nipples and started lactating.
Pookie: Wait, but did I tell y’all that…(lowers voice) I wanna pierce my clit?
Me, involuntarily covering my crotch with my clutch: Gasp!!
Peaches: You wanna do what to what??
Pookie: Here’s the funny part, though. I went to the piercing spot in the Village, and they actually have an app where they take a picture of your vagina, and they can show you what it’ll look like with the piercing! And they showed me the pic, and I realized that I would never have known it was mine.
Me: Are you saying you wouldn’t be able to pick your vag out of a lineup?
Peaches: Oh I would. I’m all up in there, all the time.
Me: I meeaan…I’m all up in mine too, but I’m not looking at her.
Peaches: I’m looking at her.
Peaches: ‘Cause she’s pretty?
Me: Cheers to Peaches’ pretty punany! Woot woot!
We clink glasses and dissolve into giggles, people stare.
Pookie: So, what does she look like?
Peaches: Totally waxed, everything off.
Pookie: Me too.
Me: Landing strip. But you know I don’t get waxes, right? I shave her myself.
Me: I hate, hate, hate getting Brazilians. I will never get used to a stranger pouring wax in my ass. Shaving saves money, it’s painless, and it’s always fresh. Strippers taught me how to do it years ago for a Glamour piece. They perform every night, so they can’t have they grow-in period you need before you can wax again — they always have to be fresh. So they shave every two days and then put on deodorant, because it’s supposed to make the hair grow in softer and thinner!
Pookie, slamming down her drink and jabbing her index finger towards the heavens: Elaborate!
Don’t mind if I do! Girls, this is going to seem difficult at first. But if you love the look of a Brazilian but loathe waxing, promise me you’ll give it a try. In a couple of weeks it’ll be like second nature to you. I’m doing it right now! Kidding.
1.) First, trim your pubes. You want to start of with the eensiest amount of hair possible.
2.) Apply a shaving cream — or you can use hair conditioner — all over the top (I will not say the word “mons”) of your vag. Use a fresh razor to shave in the direction of the hair growth.
3.) Now for the inside! Apply your shaving cream, then prop one leg up the wall and use your fingers to spread your labia out so the skin is taught (super-important, if the skin isn’t taught it’s nicksville). Using long, slow strokes, shave in the direction of hair growth and repeat on the other side.
4.) And now? The ass. This is actually easy. Apply shaving cream. Then stick your butt out, grab a cheek and pull it open, and shave one side, in horizontal strokes, inside out. Repeat on other side.
5.) Gently pat dry, then finish with a topical razor bump/ingrown hair preventer, like Bikini Zone Medicated Creme for Bikini Area ($7). If you’re prone to getting really intense bumps, try Completely Bare Bikini Bump Blaster Pads ($32), which has glycolic and salicylic acid to help unclog pores of excess sebum and curled hairs that cause irritation. These pads saved my summer of 2008.
There you have it, ladies! A sprawling, randomly vaginal conversation between friends that turned into a Brazilian shaving tutorial! That’s SYB ferya. Now, you tell me…do you wax or shave? And could you spot your vag out of a lineup?