The Time I Thought I Was a Lesbian

Christy Turlington and Naomi by Steven Meisel, 1989. Totally makes me feel homosexual.

A couple of years ago, I decided that perhaps I was a lesbian. It started because I was wayyy too into The L Word, and then I became obsessed with Audre Lorde’s poetry and sapphic 70s supermodel, Gia. I had lusty fantasies involving Rihanna and a Cayman Island cabana. And then a book called “The Girls” landed in my lap — a tell-all about early Hollywood lesbians like Greta Garbo, Tallulah Bankhead and Marlene Deitrich, all seducing each other in exquisitely tailored pantsuits and lush finger waves — and that was it. I realized I was supposed to be a super-glamorous lady lover. Why not? The man thing certainly wasn’t working out.

[Note: I realize most women go through this phase in college, but I was too busy ignoring my point guard BF's flagrantly obvious infidelities to notice hot girls. Oh, how my heart goes out to basketball wives. Not "Basketball Wives," but actual wives of basketball players.]

So, I did some research on hot lesbian nightspots, found out it was Thursday nights in the basement of a Union Square coffee house — and then dragged my bisexual girlfriend there the following week. I knew I looked irresistible. My look for the night was Old Hollywood dragon lady: super-glossy crimson gloss, a tiny fake beauty mark above my lip (made with a very sharp black eye pencil), and sultry metallic grey eyes. Oh, and lush Dorothy Dandridge curls. Lady lovin,’ here I come!

Maybelline's new Color Tattoo 24 Hr Eyeshadows are just the thing for a sultry eye. The shades give major pigment payoff, and they're creamy but dry to a velvety finish. No creasing, no smudging -- even in crazy heat (I tested "Too Cool" out at Disney World to fab results). Smudge on with a finger, apply mascara, and you're glam.

Maybelline's new Color Tattoo 24 Hr Eyeshadows are just the thing for a femme fatale eye. The shades give major pigment payoff, and they're creamy but dry to a velvety finish. No creasing, no smudging -- even in crazy heat (I tested the purple one out at Disney World to fab results). Smudge on with a finger, apply mascara, and you're glam.

In the dimly lit basement-turned-dance-party, Kanye’s “All of the Lights” was throbbing and there were women galore. I decided I’d perch at a banquette in a conspicuous corner, put out devastatingly sexual vibes and wait for the action to come to me. An hour went by. Nothing. And hour and a half went by. Nothing. Meanwhile, my girlfriend scored three numbers and was dancing with a cute cop. I decided that posing was unproductive, so I got up and sexy-danced. And still nothing! Was no one noticing the tongue thing I was doing with my cocktail straw? This was a disaster!

I noticed a bored-looking Latina with blonde Pocahantas braids sitting alone, and thought maybe she could give me an explanation. So I quickly downed two vodka sours and sidled up next to her.

Me: Hi.

Pocahantas: What’s good.

Me: No one in here thinks I’m sexy, I’m so confused. Do you find me fuckable?

Pocahantas, shrugging: I mean…yeah man, you’re hot.

Me: So why hasn’t anybody talked to me all night?

Pocahantas: ‘Cause you’re straight as shit.

Me, aghast: How can you tell?

Pocahantas: It’s so obvious, mama. Your makeup, that dress…you’re dressed to attract a man, not a woman. Certainly not these women. This is a wifebeater and kicks crowd.

Me: But…I think I might be a lesbian. Or bi. Bi-curious?

Pocahantas: Look at your nails. They’re mad long. How you gonna finger-fuck with those nails?

Me: Oh.

Pocahantas: And would you go down on a woman?

Me: Well, I was hoping it would be the other way around. Like she’d do it to me.

Pocahantas: You’re not a lesbian.

Me, crestfallen: No, I guess not.

Pocahantas: But you’re really cute. I have a brother you should meet. Are you ever in Canarsie?

And thus ended my lesbian career. But my brief, unsuccessful sojourn into Sapphic love taught me a lesson. You are who you are and there’s no changing it. I cannot imagine myself ever giving head to a woman…so no matter how slutty-hot I think RiRi is, I am not a lesbian. No matter how much I love eyeliner on the bottom lid, my undereye bags are such that it makes them look darker. I can’t wear it! Know your strong points, know what works for you, and don’t chase trends or worry about what everyone else is doing. You are you and you’re everything, boo.

 

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26 Comments

  1. dn2erth1137
    May 10, 2012 4:54 pm  Reply

    LMAO!!! You keep it oh so real, love it!

  2. Selene
    May 10, 2012 5:10 pm  Reply

    You’re f’in hilarious. And possibly a total lesbian. If we met in college who knows…

  3. May 10, 2012 5:12 pm  Reply

    So hilarious!! Thank you for putting a smile on my face today!!

  4. ceecee
    May 10, 2012 5:21 pm  Reply

    This is totally O.T but OMG Tia!! I’m so glad you’re back to blogging! I’ve missed you! I almost broke down a few months ago because I’ve been looking to switch up my lipstick/lipgloss and I haven’t been able to find a good color match.

    I’m sitting in my cubicle at work and I have a huge grin on my face. Welcome back! Now I’m off to read your archives.

  5. lily
    May 10, 2012 5:21 pm  Reply

    funny!!!!!!

  6. Codie Elaine
    May 10, 2012 5:48 pm  Reply

    Tiiiiiaaaa! I can’t. I’m dying. I LOVE this Tia. I LOVED my early Tia, but now it’s just TOO much! You’re amazing.

  7. Bashful Beauty
    May 10, 2012 5:57 pm  Reply

    The funniest ish ever!!!!

  8. May 10, 2012 6:07 pm  Reply

    Tia. I love you. LOL!! Especially since I’ve totally thought this before and also had that exact same conversation you had with Pocahontas with my friend. Turns out I just think women are gorgeous specimen but I wouldn’t fuck them. Sounds about right.
    stay FLYY. live FLYYER.
    http://www.flyycoast2coast.wordpress.com

  9. Nicole
    May 10, 2012 6:22 pm  Reply

    OMG! All of your posts are hilarious but this one is too much. At some point we all have that moment. keep ‘em coming.

  10. M
    May 10, 2012 8:11 pm  Reply

    Tia, I love you. I’m not gay for you, but I love you just the same. :) I would have NEVER thought of the nail thing.

  11. Misha
    May 10, 2012 8:17 pm  Reply

    LOL!! This story made my day!

  12. tea18
    May 10, 2012 8:37 pm  Reply

    I can’t believe you had the nerve to go to a lezzie club and approach a woman! Lol I could never. You must have been really convinced of your lady love.
    O, and that nail thing is on my kameelah assed list in regards to menfolk. that sentiment is the same. cannot stand men with cocaine nails! Ugh

  13. BK
    May 10, 2012 9:04 pm  Reply

    this made my day!

  14. nik
    May 10, 2012 9:30 pm  Reply

    I have no words LOL. good you found out early.

  15. May 10, 2012 10:25 pm  Reply

    Hilarious! Wife beaters and kicks, huh? What about lipstick lesbians? They would be dressed like you were. LOL! I guess that club was for butch lesbians.

  16. L
    May 11, 2012 3:07 am  Reply

    I feel you. I’ve been to gay clubs and nothing…Not even an invite to turn me out. lol!

  17. jam824
    May 11, 2012 2:19 pm  Reply

    Loved this post!
    and the picture of Naomi + Christy!!! Love!

  18. May 16, 2012 3:05 am  Reply

    See, THIS post alone is the exact reason I came to your blog–I knew I’d get a good laugh along with an “OMG, meee toooooo”….I just love love love SYB and it was so great finally meeting my blog lady love in person! LOL…

  19. D Lynee
    May 16, 2012 4:12 pm  Reply

    I had to de-lurk for this post! Hilarious! I LOVE your honesty, LOVE this post, and I would really love to hear an update on the Carol’s Daughter Transitioning products . . . I have more than a few inches of new growth and I’m fighting the urge to do something drastic! Please post an update and let us know if the products worked for you!!!

  20. May 23, 2012 1:47 am  Reply

    this is perfect. lol. i had an almost identical experience!

  21. Dominique
    May 31, 2012 11:02 pm  Reply

    hilarious!!!!!!!!!!

  22. June 3, 2012 9:54 pm  Reply

    I read you for years back in the day. I had no idea you’d returned to blogging. I happened up on you today via (of all things) Pinterest! LOL This post is the best! I love your REALNESS!

  23. June 4, 2012 6:41 pm  Reply

    OMG!! I’m weak as hell!! This was so hilarious!…and SO REAL!! Loved the point of this post!

  24. Suzie Chic
    June 14, 2012 4:07 am  Reply

    OMG. Tia you are hilarious. You need to write a book about your antics and thoughts from college life to now. It would be on the NYT bestseller list and my bookshelf ( right next to The Accidental Diva):)

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