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Riding Around and Not Getting It

First of all, I’ve got to stop using bad song lyrics as post titles. Secondly, I must warn you that this story isn’t pretty. It’s about a woman wondering if she’s reached her sell-by date — a woman who, last Thursday night, swanned out of her apartment feeling electric and found herself in the wrong place, in the wrong skin, with the wrong people. But in the right lip gloss (more on that later).

As you know, my delightful SYB Babes, I’m currently in a bit of a social slump. After my forays through online dating led me to a man with a cherry red accent scarf and a fairly obvious small dick complex, I stopped dating. And in general, I don’t know how to have a proper single woman’s social life! Most of my friends are married with kids. If they have time to hang out, it’s at playdates on the weekends. S0 most nights, you can find me refereeing bedtime disagreements between Bobina and her shadow (a feisty one, that shadow), eating my baby’s school snacks for dinner and obsessively researching Game of Thrones family dynasties. The Thrones thing is becoming a problem, actually — I’m dangerously close to writing fan fiction. Help.

Thank god one of my only single girlfriends — lets call her Heaving Bosoms — ambushed me last Thursday night, demanding I go to a birthday party for her neighbor, a hot single black attorney.

Me: I don’t know, I’m kinda doing a Parmesan Goldfish crackers thing tonight.

Heaving Bosoms: He said all his single friends were coming.

Me: Let’s do this.

Whispering sweet nothings to my beloved Sephora Glossy Gloss Galore...

And let me tell you, it was so exhilarating getting ready. I felt like I was 23 again, headed off to a drunken night of Leo DiCaprio-stalking at Life, the air ablaze with possibilities and…um…medicinal marijuana. I rocked my slinkiest ensemble – a banana yellow Asos tube skirt, white tank and pony skin wedges — and my new favorite lipgloss, Sephora Glossy Gloss Galore in Instant Flame Fucshia ($11). It’s the most sumptuous hot pink ever — the pigment is so rich and true, it’s actually as vivid on your lips as it is in the tube. And it when it does fade a little, it’s leaves a smudgey, just-bitten look to your lips that’s totally irresistible. I felt edible.

I walked into the third floor bar of the lavish members only club, nestled in a nondescript brownstone. There are men everywhere. Good looking, sexy, grown ass manly men in custom suits and good watches. And they were surrounded by a sea of giggling, fawning 20 year old girls. I’m not kidding, they were infants. Heaving Bosoms and I were older than every other chick by a good decade, and yet the men were our age. I instantly felt ridiculous in my highlighter-colored skirt. Why was I dressed like a Kardashian? What was I even doing there? Earlier, it had felt fun to get glammed up for a night on the town, like I was relieving my days as a dewy-eyed ingenue with the world at her feet — but I wasn’t 23 anymore. I was a divorced mother pushing 40 and my options were becoming increasingly limited. The single black men who are my professional peers are so sought-after, so few and far between, that they know they can have any woman they want. So the girls get younger, the men get older — and what becomes of the Beauty Shaker?

Needless to say, we got out of there, fast.

Girls, I don’t want to end up alone. I want to fall in love again, I want the motherfucking dream — I haven’t given up on it. But I don’t know how to navigate this world. Perhaps revisit the lesbian thing again? If you have any words of advice for this lost lady, please share.

xo, Tia

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  1. Selene
    May 24, 2012 6:02 pm 

    Oh Jesus we need to go out. I will be your wing woman. We’re finding this dude!!

  2. May 24, 2012 6:05 pm 

    Oh no Tia, don’t give up yet! As a life long single person (thus far), I’ve found that men find me most attractive when I’m not paying them one lick of attention. You and Heaving Bosoms (love the moniker btw!) should have created your own party up in that joint and watched the menfolk flock.

    • Nicole
      May 24, 2012 9:08 pm 

      “should have created your own party up in that joint and watched the menfolk flock.”

      agreed! i am NOT single so when I’m out with my crew we are not HARDLY looking and we ALWAYS draw attention (I live in Chicago). We are normally having a “fuck em girl” moment or we are SO glad to be away from our kids that we don’t care about the men. I have decided because we aren’t checking for them and they want to “conquer” they holler at us. Even after we flash our rings, they still offer drinks and we become wifed up, even out of the house!! (that was SO a rant/bunny trail…sorry)
      Now when I have the big head I do think it’s because I can slay any chick in the room…but I digress *giggle*. I always wish I had someone to hook these guys up with tho…like I wish I had a “single sister” for everytime I am asked. *sigh* hang in there, gorgeous! He’s out there!

  3. angelita
    May 24, 2012 6:15 pm 

    I feel like this and I’m a 20 something single mom.

  4. May 24, 2012 7:15 pm 

    Like the gloss shade, gonna have to look into that. Have you tried this new speed dating Tia? I always thought the notion sounded silly but a girlfriend (who happens to be on a serious mission to marry at 35) attended a few & was surprised/delighted to meet a few nice guys. She’s dating one now. She was hesitant to give it a shot at first but liked the idea of no pressure, quick meet & greets & no info is exchanged in person, everyone has an online profile thru the company that sets it up & after the event – you check your inbox a few days later to see who has requested your info & you can do the same for anyone that strikes your fancy. You should look into it. If nothing else, I’m sure it would make for an interesting post but hopefully more.

  5. Misha
    May 24, 2012 7:31 pm 

    Your beautiful and talented and you will meet a man one day.. well this is what my Mother tells me at least. Stay positive and keep those lips shining men love it. LOL

  6. Heather
    May 24, 2012 8:23 pm 

    Oh dear friend (cause you are my friend in my head since I started reading this blog many moons ago). Can we talk about how dating is not easy no matter what your age. Trust that we, although the smarter sex, are at a loss because guys can have the pick of the litter. Boo to them but yay to you strutting it out in your hot-to-trot outfit and trying.
    Dream the best dream for love and romance, bells and whistles cause it’s going to happen. Umm but does NO ONE have any options for you to date? Those friends gotta have someone without the tiny d*ck complex.

  7. May 24, 2012 8:23 pm 

    Ummmm- stop it. You know you arent the only one doing the Single Lady thing. lol!!! <3

  8. mary ellen
    May 24, 2012 8:38 pm 

    I feel your pain, booby, but don’t catastrophize. You went to a party where the guys were assholes. There’s a guy in the world who is not interested in little girls who can’t hold a candle to his intellect, who couldn’t possibly keep him entertained and challenged for life. That’s your guy. You’ll find each other, just not in the way you expect. Just like you got your perfect girl, just not in the way you expected. That’s life. But don’t dwell on jerky men in whom you would never have been interested in anyway. And read The Transit of Venus for a deep, intellectual, bittersweet love story. I finished it this morning and then bumped right into Patti Smith! Smooch.

  9. May 24, 2012 11:38 pm 

    LMAO…if it’s any consolation you are not alone!!

  10. Essence
    May 25, 2012 1:00 am 

    I hear all the good single men (possibly closeted) looking for serious relationships are in church….you should totally check it out!

  11. gg
    May 25, 2012 1:11 pm 

    tia-you are lucky to at least had love at some point!! i’ve been single for most of my life! no serious relationship at all. but i get it. you’re beautiful and smart. you’ll find love again im sure. good luck in the meantime. oh! and im sooooooo glad you’re back to blogging. we missed you!! xo

  12. Kim
    May 25, 2012 7:28 pm 

    Hey Tia! Like I tweeted you this post is so my life. I’m 38, never been married, and have no kids. I too want the motherfucking dream but how do I get it??? Dates are few & far between. I do not know how to navigate this world at all. Dating certainly has become a chore.

  13. May 25, 2012 9:17 pm 

    Same here. I did the on-line thing for a minute after my divorce and decided it was not for me. Deleted my profiles and at this point just relaxing.

  14. LaToya
    May 27, 2012 1:53 am 

    Ok… so this advice may be a bit different then the others… but it worked for me after my ex moved out of the 2 story loft we had while I was at work!!!! (I had just gotten a MEGA promotion & Didn’t have a clue. Came home & felt like I was on punked) Then started dating the barista who made my coffee everyday. I guess my whole conquer the world thing intimidated him but I digress… My advice is 2 fold. One go on every date. Not gay guys or the openly crazy, but you get the point. If it goes well you get that hopeful za-za-zu feeling. If its awful you have an amazing funny story to tell girlfriends. Two, & I know this is cliche. But always know you will find love. Really. Know he’s coming. He has your name tattooed on his ass & he just can’t wait to find you. Sorry if I sound like a self help book gone sappy, but it helped me when I was at my lowest. That feeling that if I just keep holding on & staying open he would find me…

  15. Portia
    May 28, 2012 5:13 pm 

    Tia!! (we are on a first name basis, right?) You called it just what it is, honey, a slump. There are hills and valleys to this life (and love) thing, The great thing about a valley is that you KNOW there is a hill on the horizon. I’m a 30 yr old atty in DC, and I really do feel your pain. Because of the dozen or so universities in the area (HU, you know!), we get a fresh influx of wide-eyed 18 yr olds EVERY August, and the professional guys around here know it. But when they come up for air, they reach out for substance, believe me. I’ve had some good dates and now have a great boyfriend. Don’t give up:)

    ps- give the white guys a chance too!

  16. June 1, 2012 6:49 pm 

    Dear God…are we living the same life. I’m 33…men my age want COUGARS or debutantes….and men older want..well…Infants and Debutantes. I feel so out of place as a divorced, black woman.

  17. Lisa
    June 1, 2012 8:01 pm 

    First off, thanks for giving me the green to bring my ponyskin mules back out the closet. Granted I got them 12 years ago, but fuck it!

    My advice: Have fun. Not that one nite kind of fun,(um, well not all the time, I’mso not judging). But the kind of “Paaarty” type of fun. That fun attracts men and releases your stress.

    Love is wonderful, but it’s hardly ever planned unless you want to do the mail order husband thing.