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Will There Be Latex?

The other night, I went to a fancy dinner party hosted by a dazzling demi-socialite who I barely know. I was seated at a table with the oddest assortment of guests, including an Argentinian trainer-about-town, a messy model, her agent and a greeting card company owner (I believe my affiliation was “person who will hopefully blog about my upcoming line of home scents”). Oh, and there was also a politically-connected minister’s wife with what appeared to be inflatable breasts. Over duck confit, we chit-chatted about fitness.

Model: I don’t work out. Omigod I just caaan’t. It’s really just about leafy greens and hot tea. And Patron. Hahahahaaa!

Agent: She’s kidding.

Hot Trainer, sliding his card across the table: You need me. I feel your lifestyle is unhealthy. I train mostly models, I know the life.

Agent: We have it under control.

Greeting Card Lady: Well, I just love Pilates. For lean, long lines, you know? It saved me after the twins.

Me: Pole dancing saved me after my baby! It’s incredible for core-strengthening and…

Mrs. Minister: Pole dancing? Like stripping?

Me: Well not really. It’s like a mix of gymnastics and dance…it’s really empowering, actually. It’s so addictive. Every time I’m on the subway I have to fight the urge to jump on one of the poles and teach it a lesson!

Model: Fucking hot.

Me: And I’ve just really gotten in touch with my body and it makes you feel so strong, and invincible.

Mrs. Minister: Yeah, but there are more…spiritually sound ways to do that.

Hot Trainer: Sexuality is spirituality, my orange blossom.

Me: Especially when you’re a heathen, like me.

Mrs. Minister: To each his own. I try to be as godly as possible, so I could never be a stripper. Before I do anything, I ask myself if Jesus would approve.

Me: Then I’d like to have a few words with Jesus. Because he should be behind bars for approving that brow lift.

Okay that last part I didn’t say. But I wanted to. Ugh, there’s nothing more irksome than a judgey-wudgey hypocrite. And I will defend pole-dancing to the death! After Bobina, my body pretty much snapped back in shape – except for an annoying smushiness in the middle. My OBGYN suggested I take a class at S Factor, the studio that started the whole “pole dancing as exercise trend” (it also holds the distinction of being the training ground for every actress who’s ever played a stripper, including Lohanimal, P-Cruz, Hatcher, et al).  At first, the prospect of humping a pole in front of six women seems terrifying. But the whole thing is set up for maximum female empowerment. Absolutely no men are allowed, so it won’t turn into a weird sexual situation; plus it’s always super-dark and there are no mirrors – so you never catch the expanse of your ass in the mirror. And whether you’re learning slinky floor moves or intricate pole tricks, your instructors yell out things like “GORGEOUS” and “AOOWWW” that make you feel like a hot tamale, no matter how awkward you really look.

It’s totally self-lovey, and athletic, and I can now crawl to the top of a pole, flip upside down and sliiide to the floor. Me! A person who hasn’t moved since her last dance team competition in 1993!

My favorite? In the beginner levels, you must identify your “erotic creature.” What’s her name? How does she dress? Is she a lover or a fighter? Will there be latex? And then this is whom you embody during class! My erotic creature’s name is Nikki Nevermind (Nikki, for “Darling Nikki,” of course…and Alexander Nevermind was one of Prince’s aliases. Old school SYB Babes will remember my lifelong obsesh with the little purple wonder). She also an undercover detective and dresses like this:

Come on kiss the gun.

And because Nikki is a giver, she’d like to share the top three beauty products that help get her in the mood for class.

Cover Girl Eye Enhancers Kit in Tropical Fusion ($4.99)comes with four 80s-tastic shades that manage to look incredible next to a pair of super luscious purplish-fuschia lips. Bee tee dub, I wear the orangey-bronze shade like everyday. So pretty with a tan.

Wet n Wild Lipstick #521A ($.99) is cheap, loud and sexy. Just like Nikki! Love that this hot pink is shot through with a subtle sprinkle of violet shimmer.

I feel like Nikki has a strong, sexy arch…and mine is decidedly wimpy. So I fill those suckers in with Sonia Kashuk Brow Kit ($10). I just dip a tiny, angled brush into the two darkest shades and swipe on with light, feathery, short strokes.

AOOWWW!

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6 Comments

  1. Starchild72
    June 15, 2012 4:56 pm 

    I love the Alexander Nevermind reference! Aaaowah 😀

  2. June 15, 2012 11:16 pm 

    Omg Tia! You were reading my mind. I’ve had that same cover girl shadow kit for a good minute and I didn’t really know what to do with the colors because I felt they are too loud to wear to class. Well, now I’ll definitely be rocking the orange for sure. Thanks for the tip!

  3. June 17, 2012 10:52 am 

    S Factor is the bizz.. and I love that Wet & Wild shade, gonna have to look for that one next Ulta visit.

  4. Tai
    June 25, 2012 11:20 pm 

    Fellow S girl checking in! Like you, I have to fight the urge to perform a serious lap dance while on the train!

  5. July 3, 2012 2:51 pm 

    It is in point of fact a great and useful piece of info. I am happy that you just shared this useful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  6. July 15, 2012 2:05 am 

    I fricking LOVE your stories laced with beauty items at the end. Plus I love that you know EVERYTHING about Prince. Bad ass…. xo