Ladies! Waddduuuuppp? I’m busting out of my post-surgery Percocet haze for two minutes just to holla my girls. ‘Cause I miss you and stuff. I literally haven’t stepped outside my house since my surgery on Friday, and I’m losing my mind. I also look cray. Beyond. Stitches up either side of my face, seriously swollen neck and shoulders, gauze everywhere and a gash in my right butt cheek, where the generator controlling my vibrating wires lives. I’ve been avoiding mirrors, popping pills, obsessively sleeping, and actively not bathing. Yeah, I’m not supposed to get this shit wet for two weeks. TWO WEEKS OF HALF-ASSED SPONGE BATHS. In August!
Of course, even at my dirtiest I smell like lilacs and lemondrops
And even though I look like Frankenstein, and I can’t move my head or pick up my baby (I’m a “walking apocalypse,” according to a handsome gentleman who’s counting the days till I’m stitch-free and able to go on a second date)…it’s all worth it. This surgery will erase 60% of the migraines from my life. Which is unfathomable.
Okay quickly, before I slip back into my drug stupor, I just wanted to share some thoughts with you:
* I need to buy stock in Garnier Nutritioniste The Refreshing Remover Cleansing Towelettes. In four days, I’ve already gone through an entire pack. They’re the only thing that make me feel even halfway clean during this no-real-bath moment. The super-soft, slightly moisturizing, freshly scented wipes are meant for your face, but I use them everywhere. So refreshing!
* Have I hallucinated this whole Paul Ryan, Todd Akin abortion madness? Seriously, someone illuminate me.
* I’m in pain from the surgery and having a hard time relaxing at bedtime. So before I get in the bed, I spritz Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy “Sleep” Lavender and Chamomile Body Mist in my sheets, on my pillows and in the air around the bedroom. The essential oil-blended mist smells so divinely serene, so massage-room-at-your-favorite-spa, that I can’t help but chill and let go of the stress and pain. If you’re an Anxious Annie like moi, you must look into this!
* After watching Pretty in Pink last night, I’ve concluded that Duckie Dale and A Different World’s Dwayne Wayne (first season, only) are the same character. Two quippy, new wavey nerds wearing printed vests, ironic shades and kooky footwear, desperately and thirstily in love with quirky, pre-Etsy avant garde fashionistas who love them only as a friend. You see it, right?
That’s all I got, princesses! I’ll holla at you as soon as I can!