I just had a very interesting conversation with a guy friend who’s a very adept lover of ladies. World class. Extra well-versed in all matters of moanin’ and bonin.’ I don’t have very many straight male friends, so the ones I do have, I enjoy excavating them for information. Anyway, so this guy, let’s call him PB (playboy, natch), had recently first-date-fucked this mutual friend of ours, a tough-as-nails, cold attorney and recent divorcee who everyone’s been trying to bone for ages. I couldn’t believe he even got her back to his house, let alone slept with her. Total ice queen, total I’m-not-sleeping-with-you-until-I-see-your-tax-returns kinda chick. Very clinical. I’m not sure I’ve even seen her smile.
So how did he seal the deal? I was dying to know…and then the question quickly became more general: How does one properly seduce an A+, bombass black woman these days?
Me: How did you even get her from drinks back to your house? I feel like, no matter how great the drinks are going, if you’re not bombed, the negotiations can be soooo awkward.
PB (eyeing me pityingly): Who’ve you been dating?
Me: No, sometimes even a guy suggesting we go to his or my apartment can break the spell and read as clumsy or gross. And then I say no, even if I wanted to sleep with him. And then I end up home eating tortilla chips and watching RHOBH in my tights and nothing else.
PB: You do that?
Me: I wanna know what you do with a chick on the first date. Step by step.
What he told me was so illuminating, I had to share it with you ladies. These five simple steps seem so obvious you won’t believe it works:
- Gauge the situation at drinks or dinner; understand what kind of woman you’re dealing with. Does she want a man to throw her around a room, or to be Monsieur Breath Mints? Figure that out, and then you know how to broach the “let’s go to my/your place” transaction. If she wants to be dominated a bit, make a definitive statement. “I can make drinks better than this, let’s go to my place.” If she’s in the market for some sensitive-type lovah lovah, turn it into a question (sound a bit sheepish, but confident). Do not touch her, in either scenario.
- Once in the cab or car, keep the conversation funny and light. No overtly sexual shit. That’s off-putting and creepy. This is all fun and games, nobody’s getting mauled or groped here.
- Back at the apartment, engage in an activity. Kitchens are great for this. Make a drink (in plain view, so she knows you’re not slipping her a roofie); if you’re bookish, peruse the bookcase. Keep talking.
Me: About what, though?
PB: If you’re bad at talking to women, you already lost an hour ago.
- Regarding the “I’m About to Fuck this Woman” playlist…yes, there is music, but it cannot be Trey Songz or Jodeci or, like, Usher. No hardcore slow jams. Nothing fast. And please God no neo-soul or R. Kelly. Do not take her out of the moment with a overt smooth groove. Just low-key background music, like slower hip-hop or something.
- If a woman is seduced correctly, she should not realize she’s naked till her clothes are off. It should be that effortless. Don’t do anything until she lets you know you can take it there (and she will) – the lingering gaze, the hair toss, the big-laugh-accompanied-by-the thigh-graze-for-no-reason – but it’s your job to make it happen. Kiss her. Well. And don’t ask her if you can kiss her…just do it. Be standing up. You can take off all a woman’s clothes standing up. Sitting down, it’s all fumbly and awkward. After that, it’s a wrap. A sexy time had by all.
And that, my friends, is it from the horse’s mouth. Fascinating, right? I neglected to mention that while he was explaining this to me, I was totally naked. Haha, clearly kidding (sorry #HG xxoo). Anyway, I had to share. It’s kind of a lost art, no? The funny thing is…the best seducers have no idea that we’re LETTING them do this. We wanted it the whole time. It’s so nice to give up control sometimes and let a man be a fucking man. I gazelle, you lion. Raowr.
Happy Tuesday! xxoo, Tia