Have you guys heard about this new photo app, FaceTune? My girl Tricia Lee (of Brooklyn’s venerable boutique nail salon, Polish Bar), put me on to it — with understandable horror. Why? Because you can literally change your entire body and face. Your features. Your skintone. And I’m not talking about enhancing your situation with a touch of Valencia. You guys, this app? I had to name it the Racial Eraser. It comes with a zillion little picture modifiers that can turn even the most awkward iPhone photographers into an undercover badass photoshopper. Before filters even come into question, FaceTune gives you the option to whiten your teeth; refine fine lines (and moles, and freckles, and any semblance of personality); erase dark shadows; tweak your features or your body; make your hair bigger or smaller. It’s the “reshape” function that’s the weirdest — you can basically perform the visual version of ass shots, breast implants, restalyne injections, and skin-bleaching. Can you imagine the ripple effect of this? No one will look like themselves on social media. Everyone will resemble a RHOBH castmember, no matter your ethnicity. Online daters will be catfished into oblivion. You’ll get really into your deeply modified avatar, and start to loathe the real version you see in the mirror. It’s beauty bedlam.
Yeah, so clearly I had to try it. I gave my cheekbones more definition, lightened my streaks in the “details” section, MJ’ed my skin, erased the veins on my neck, brightened my eyes — and most dramatically, I inflated my lips. Aaaand…I look fucking creepy. I’m so much better as the real me, with 38-year-old fine lines and undereye circles. And by the way, if it were five months ago, I would’ve also had zit scars. I broke out something terrible and was left with brown dots all over. Since August, I’ve been chained to M. Steves RHSO Power-Packed Reviving Exfoliator, a glamorous-smelling mask loaded with rose hip seed oil, enzymes, and hyperpigmentation-fighting glycolic acid. If you swipe in on three times a week, you’ll have supernaturally even skin in a flash. A smoothing/brightening/refining slice of heaven.
But what are your thoughts on this app? Is it #TheEnd?