Recently, I went through a dating phase. I suddenly felt like I wanted to approach my love life the way I do everything else…strategically, with intention. So I tried the online thing again. Let’s be clear, I don’t enjoy dating — the older I get, the pickier I become (wait, you clap on the 1 and the 3? Sorry, my orifices are off limits to you). But I decided to stop being so silly and put myself #outthere. What ended up being my favorite part of my datingpalooza, though, was my beauty ritual before I met these fools. I became obsessed with Sonia Kashuk’s Bath and Body Collection; specifically, the Purple Seductia fragrance. I initially picked that scent because it sounded like it would’ve been Apollonia’s superhero name…but then I fell hard for the pomegranate/rose/patchouli sensuousness of it all! I’d soak in bath bubbles c/o the Shower Gel, apply the Body Oil from head to toe, and then float away on the musky-fruity deliciousness.
It smelled incredible. I smelled incredible. And I didn’t do it for the guys — smelling delicious made me feel luscious, invincible. Like, who cares if the date’s a shitshow? I’m Purple Seductia, bitch!
Speaking of shitshow dates. I met a beautiful man. Tall, good shoulders, piercing green eyes with off-duty indie actor swag. He was raised on a tent commune by two lesbians in Berkeley, a total feminist, super-into uplifting disenfranchised kids. I was fascinated. We texted and talked on the phone for a minute, and finally decided to meet for dinner. During which he revealed that he didn’t believe in “gender roles.” I took this to mean that he felt women should get equal pay, or something. No. What it meant was that when I fake tried to insist that I pay for dinner, he was like, “Cool!”
So yeah, I paid for our first dinner, friends. I agreed to a second date ONLY because when he kissed me, I felt it in my pedicure. On the next, we went to the movies. The escalator was broken and we walked up five flights of stairs to get to the theater. When we sat down, the trailers had just started.
Me: Hey, do you want popcorn? I think I want some.
Me, in my head, (oh no, not “cool” again)
Him: I’ll sit here and watch our stuff.
Me: Oh! You’ll…
Him: Yeah, I’ll hold our seats.
Stunned, I walked down five flights of stairs, stood in a three thousand person line, got the popcorn, climbed up all those steps again, and, totally winded, plopped down next to him. Gravity had already started! I looked at him, incredulous. DID YOU REALLY JUST FORCE YOUR SONIA KASHUK-SCENTED DATE TO HIKE TO VERMONT FOR HER TASTY REFRESHMENT? MAKING HER MISS THE BEGINNING OF THIS TRIUMPH OF NAUSEA PORN (I hated that movie…Sandy Bullock panting for two oxygen-deprived hours is not entertainment)?? That was the end of him. And it was a shame, too. Such a pretty man, with electric lips.
Would you date a man who allowed you to even reach for your wallet on a first date? Or am I being a princess?