Yesterday morning, I woke up to a snowy, sleety shitstorm — zero visibility and fah-reezing. Before I stepped foot outside, I knew the day was going to suck. Quick aside: on days like this, I always randomly feel like breasts would make things better. Impossible to feel bummed while you’re peering down at a righteous rack, right? But then I shrugged and started googling pics of 60s supermodel Donyale Luna, and I felt better:
Anyway, the day DID turn out ridiculous. I was driving Lina Bobina to school, way across Brooklyn — and I was only going 8 mph since the streets were an icy, snowy mess. Pulling up to a stoplight, I gently put on the breaks and my car ignored this, sliding right into the Nissan Sentra in front of me. I TAPPED this dude’s car, and he came out limping and wailing about a sprained back. Really dude? I was like, “You want an Emmy for this performance? You and I both know you’re not injured. You’re really going to try to swindle money from me? I’m a single mother!”[Note: This is one of my favorite things to say when things go wrong. “And…but…I’m a single mother!” Please ignore me. As for as single moms go, I’m one of the luckiest. An ex-husband who’s a great dad, family in the area, lots of help. But still…I’M A SINGLE MOTHER.]
Then, things went downhill. He filed a police report. The cops came two hours later, at which point Lina thought they were taking me to jail. I got a summons because my insurance card was expired. When we finally got to Lina’s school, she got snow in her boots and decided her feet were turning blue (“Frozen,” you guys). So, I rip off her socks and rapidly rub her wet little feet, and she goes, “Other mommies bring sneakers for their kids to change into on snow days. Is today Wacky Wednesday? ‘Cause your life is OUT OF CONTROL.”
She was right. The only thing that felt good about yesterday? Coming home, peeling off my eleven layers of clothing and getting into my Ban Total Refresh Cooling BodyCloths. They’re made to soothe and cool down hot skin (despite the cold, I was a sweaty mess from stress, wet wool, and the brutal car heater). And it felt sooo goood. The wipes leave behind a silky, translucent powder that keep you powdery-fresh for hours. Plus, the scents are fab. And all it takes is one cloth to freshen things up — I swiped it over my entire body, collapsed on the couch, and watched Veep. Thank you, Ban.