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Menage a Beach


So my girlfriend Tricia Lee (of Polish Bar, the fanciest nail salon in Brooklyn), has invited a bunch of friends down to Jamaica for her birthday — for four sun-drenched days. And. I. Am. Hype. I’ve spent the past two weeks re-digging my car out of the snow, like, every other day. It’s horrible.

Me, to person carrying a shovel: Sir, can you help me?

Person: I’m a woman.

It’s always something. The next day, I begged a beautiful older Jamaican fellow to help me.

Jamaican: I would, but you are not nice.  One time I offered fe guide you out of your spot because you were ’bout fe hit my car, and you ignored me. I see you coming outcha house looking stressed and worried, and you don’t even say hi. This is bad for your energy.

Me: Sir, I’m usually in pain and just trying to get from point A. to point B., and I don’t even remember what you’re…”

Jamaican: See? You doan remembah, gyal!  I will help you, because I’m neighborly. But first, let’s rap about self-soothing your emotions.

So we sat in my car, he counseled me, got my entire life together, and I cried. Because he was secretly, like, the Dalai Lama, or something.  Then he shoveled out my car.  These snowstorms are fucking with my emotions.

So yes, I’m THRILLED to go to Jamaica! I’m also thrilled to take my three favorite beach vacay products. If you’re going anywhere sunny anytime soon, don’t leave without these:


La Prairie  Soothing After Sun Mist for Face & Body: Let’s be honest, I plan to lay in the sun for four days straight. And I know my skin will be a hot, sun-sizzled mess afterwards. This spritz, loaded with botanicals, is a godsend — I mist it on everywhere (my skin, my body, even my hair) and immediately feel refreshed and toned. So glamorous.

Erno Laszlo Face & Body Protection SPF 30: I hate sunscreen — so pasty, so opaque, and ultimately drying. This one’s loaded with shea butter and vitamin E to moisturize (seriously, feels like a luscious body lotion), while green tea extracts and antioxidants help soothe and shield skin from damaging rays. Nourishing but not greasy — you won’t break out.

See how blonde?

Me and Tricia! My hair was wet (we were twirling on a yacht in Miami), but do you see how light my color is? Blonde is bleach, friends. Demands extra sun protection.

Redken Color Extend After Sun Shampoo: I’m blonde. Some highlights are damned near platinum. The sun will attempt to destroy this, turning my color brassy and busted, but I won’t let it! This shampoo is a must — it removes saltwater, chlorine and minerals that sit on strands and cause it to oxidize. Love, plus it smells like the beach.

Talk to you when I get back!


Teyonce Trilliams

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  1. February 19, 2014 12:18 am 

    Gotta protected those strands! I really love PHYTOPLAGE Protective sun oil for tropical vacations. It protects and conditions the hair all day while you soak up the sun. A quick shampoo and product before night time activities left my hair shiny and extra soft. Have a fantastic time make sure you do a post when you return!

  2. LT
    February 21, 2014 2:47 pm 

    I positively love reading your posts, they are honest, funny and real.

    But I must admit I thought you might be a mean girl too… With a heaping amount of anxiety I sent you a very thoughtful, how I admire this fellow migraine sufferer email about a year (or more) ago, and was surprised to never have received as even a “thank you for your kind words” reply.

    But it’s ok, I still think you’re a fabulous MILF (if I was into that) and your posts make me laugh out loud and show all my teeth…including the ones in the back.

    • twilliams
      February 22, 2014 12:19 am 

      I’m not a mean girl, I’m a sick girl. Some days — especially a year ago — my only focus is Lina and staying out of the hospital. Many, many things (including emails) totally slip between the cracks, and I’m constantly playing catch up. And apologizing for it. Sometimes I forget to respond to the people I love most in the world. Not an excuse; an explanation. My apologies…your thoughts are MUCH appreciated.