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Hey muchachitas,

I have ants in my apartment. I got the whole place treated, but they giggled it off and kept it moving. So annoying. It happened, like, overnight. Sometimes Lina feels like they’re her pets (I catch her chatting with them and peering at them through her tiny magnifying glass. Fucking disgusting). Other times, she’s had it up to here.

Lina: Mommy.

Me: Yes?

Lina: Do ants have any sense?

Me: I don’t know, girl.

Lina: If they do, then they should know better to come into human apartments. We wear big shoes and can stomp on them. They should KNOW better.

I thought about this. The “knowing better” thing. Isn’t that just life? Like, knowing better, but doing whatever the hell you want to do, anyway? I almost told her that, but it was too existential for the moment — I was making some kale thing and I’m a miserable cook, and I needed to concentrate or I’d burn the house down.

I’m a beauty expert, right? I know what the rules are, and I break them constantly. I know better! I know that I’m in my late thirties, which means that I need to start taking extra-special, anti-aging care of my skin. But I only properly wash it if I wore makeup that day. I know that SPF is the most important aspect of skincare — and yet, two months ago, I layed out for daayyys in Miami and Jamaica with the barest hint of sunscreen, so as not to disrupt my tanning. I, my friends, dropped the ball. And now, my friends, my skin is a flaky, parched, oddly drawn-looking problem. I smile and feel it cracking (and if that isn’t a metaphor for something, I don’t know what is).

I’ve turned to Lancome’s new Renergie French Lift Retightening Cream. At $155, yeah, it’s expensive. But it’s worth every penny. First of all, the packaging is beyond clever. It comes with it’s own little scooper/massage disk! At bedtime, use it to gingerly dab the cream onto your skin, and then rub it gingerly all over in a circular motion — which increases blood flow and elasticity (i.e., makes you luminous and tightens things up). After using it for five weeks, I can feel such a difference in my skin. It feels…youthful.  Healed. It’s more supple, my forehead seems smoother, and the best part? I wake up with a radiant glow. You’d think I’d actually had a sexy night.

If you didn’t know better.



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